


Snape's Thoughts

by This_Time_I_Wont_Regret_My_Username



Series: A Collection of One-Shots for THC [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Grieving, I Tried, Mentions of Death, Somewhat sad?, Unrequited Love, kind of bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-26 16:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13239525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_Time_I_Wont_Regret_My_Username/pseuds/This_Time_I_Wont_Regret_My_Username
Summary: Snape reflects on his own thoughts about Harry Potter. He made a promise to care for Harry, but it's so hard when the boy has Lily's eyes.





	Snape's Thoughts

Severus Snape sat at the Hogwarts staff table, staring at the first years that filed in through the door to his left. His eyes swept through the group, looking for a child resembling Lily. He scanned the students for red hair, green eyes, anything like her.

He found one child, definitely not Lily's son, but then he saw the jet- black, untidy hair. His blood ran cold and boiled at the same time. The boy was the spitting image of his arrogant, foolish, father. The boy's face turned to him, and Snape's breath caught. His eyes were just like those of his mother, but they were not nearly as intelligent as hers were, nor were they as beautiful. Snape scowled, dispelling the unpleasant, yet amazing memories from his mind. He knew that the day would come when the young Potter would arrive at Hogwarts, but he was hoping he would look more like Lily. In fact, he knew that Potter's spawn would arrive on this day. However, Severus made a promise to protect him.

That night, Severus pulled out an old photo he hadn't looked at in a while. Lily Evans was waving at the camera, and was gesturing for a younger Severus to sit with her. He obliged, rather reluctantly, and she dragged him to a bench. She sat next to his sulking frame and pulled him into a hug. Severus blushed and tried to push her away, but Lily held him tighter. They were thirteen when the photo was taken.

Snape sighed, putting it back into the drawer, not wanting to remember but knowing he was already too deep into the memories.

He put his face in his hands, letting everything wash over him in icy cold waves. But then, it was like a small fire had been lit in the pit of his stomach, growing in intensity and size, until it completely engulfed him, leaving him a sobbing heap of a man in a worn chair.

He seemed to forget who he was, seemed to forget where he was, and that he would have to put on a mask and master a faÃ§ade moments from now, if only to convince himself that everything was okay.

Lily and Severus were sitting under a tree by the Black Lake at Hogwarts, each absorbed in their own world. At least, Lily was. Severus was too busy studying her to pay much attention to what he was doing, which was scribbling random lines onto a piece of parchment. He took a deep breath, summoning up the courage to speak to her.

"So, I heard an interesting rumor today, Lily," he said nonchalantly. Lily didn't look up from her book.

"Hm?" she asked, still not looking at him. He scooted closer to her.

"People have been saying that we're a couple! Can you believe it?" he asked, carefully watching as her head shot up and looked at him, disbelieving.

"What? No," Lily said, shaking her head.

"Why?" Severus asked. "Is it so horrible to know that some people think we like each other?" He joked, trying to cover up the hurt in his voice.

"Yes! I mean-" she huffed, "us? Together? There's no way that we'd ever like each other like that! That's just gross!" Lily said, her eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah! That's really gross, Lily. Took the words right out of my mouth," Severus said, looking back at his parchment. He bit his lip. At this moment, James and his friends showed up, laughing at Severus. Lily took to his defense, and then things went very badly. James used a spell that dangled Severus in the air by his ankle, and bullied him, pulling his pants down. Lily got James to put him down, Severus ran to the school, and Lily wasn't able to keep up with him. When Severus finally stopped, he cried. But not all of his tears were because of what James did. Lily had broken his heart. Lily had ripped it out and stomped over it with her tiny little feet.

Now, Severus Snape composed himself and reminded himself that he'd long ago accepted Lily's unreciprocated feelings, and her death. He put on his mask again, and went to sleep.

The next day, taking roll of the students in each class, Severus only paused on the name "Harry Potter," as if to see how it sounded on his lips. It felt all wrong, like it wasn't supposed to sound right, when Harry Potter was Lily's son. But it did, it sounded right to him. Snape almost kept going down the list, but one look at Harry and Snape's blood boiled. It would be easy to hate him if he didn't look too closely at him.

Many years later, Snape was dying, bleeding out, and suddenly there he was, Harry Potter. Snape allowed himself to say what he'd been denying for years.

"You have your mother's eyes," Snape said, finally able to say it. Maybe he would see Lily, and maybe Harry would accept the love Snape had for him. He would never know if he did, though.

All he could do was hope beyond hope. Hope that Harry would understand, and hope that Harry would accept his death, too. Because that was the only thing he could do.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for The Houses Competition, submitted for Hufflepuff. Many thanks to the lovely Selena of the Lake (formerly Merry the Great) for beta-ing this. Any awkwardness or grammar mistakes are my bad.  
> The prompt for this one was: "Acceptance."  
> I know this wasn't the best, but please tell me what you think!


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